WTF is "kid friendly"

How do I put this politely? I get really annoyed when ever I see a list of "kid-friendly" shit.  Because what is kid friendly? Depends on your kid and one's ability to get totally pissed off about insignificant things.  Needless to say, I hate fucking "kid-friendly" shit - because it usually means 1) the menu has grilled cheese sandwiches 2) crayons and an ugly ass piece of paper for a menu (that slips all over the fucking table) 3) plastic cups with apple juice, with a twisty straw that ends up flinging juice all over the fucking place.

(I just had my first coffee for the day, so I might be a little cranky.  Piss off.)

Personally - there are not a lot of places outside of my house that I would deem kid-friendly.  And - I think I'm pushing the "kid friendly" part because our kid likes to play with computers and shit.  And coins...don't forget the coins.  If you come to visit our house, better leave the coins at home - Iolani will take you for every coin you have.  I won't go as far to say she's a pickpocket - but....  Trust me.  I leave my coins at work.  However - recently she's figured out that dollar bills have a larger value when compared to coins.  (Who the fuck taught her that?  Blame it on Starbucks, as she sees bills and not coins cross the counter).

Kid-Friendly...a childrens' toilet, child-sized portions (not fried food or plain noodles), and get that fucking paper placemat away from my fucking table.

Did I make myself clear?

When Iolani was in diapers, we just wanted a place that had a changing table in both the women's and men's restroom.  Often times the changing table was only in the women's bathroom.  You know what - my husband (like all good daddy's out there) change their child's diaper.  We both agreed that raising Iolani was going to take a team effort.  However, the diabolical forces out there defined that only the mommy could change the diaper when at The Farm. Fuckers.  All I wanted was a brief moment in time when Alex and Iolani went off to change a poopy diaper, so that I could enjoy a cup of coffee.  CONSPIRACY! Mommy Oppressors!

If a place is going to go through the effort of putting one diaper changing table in a restaurant, at least put it somewhere for the Mommy or Daddy to access it.  

The children's toilet is the best thing since at-home espresso machines. Seriously.  If you have a baby and you are laughing and point at me, well...fuck just wait.  Wait for the day when Potty Training is all you get to think about, and all you do is look at that tiny little potty chair and wonder why don't they have these at places other than Ikea?  Wanna know why we stopped going to The Grove?  YOU DON'T HAVE A CHILDREN'S TOILET!!!!  A small potty that Iolani can sit on by herself, do her business so that she can go back and spend her daddy's hard earned money at Nordstroms. (Santa Anita Mall has a bunch of them...)

That little toilet let's our family stay out ALL day at the mall.  Imagine what kind of damage we could do if they had little toilets at the grocery store. We could stay for more than 20 minutes, and actually buy the stuff in the car.  Typically we just abandon shopping and come back as soon as Iolani's dropped her dookie.

Wanna fix the economy?  Institute Marriage Equality and put the little toilets all over the place.  I'm telling you...the employment rate will start righting itself.

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